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Humour from the UK No. 2

I have started a second thread to allow the first to fade away. Administrators do not hesitate to let me know if I am becoming a ‘pain’ in taking up too much space with these old tales. ---- Gordon


THE NHS STAFF CHARTER!! (UK)

We have already had the Patient's Charter, so now it is the turn of the
NHS staff! We do not know where this piece first appeared, but it is
credited a consultant radiologist in the West Midlands.

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It is the Government's wish that all staff should find their work
pleasurable, fulfilling and rewarding. To this end, certain measures
will be implemented so that in future, patients will not interfere with
the smooth running of GP surgeries, hospital departments or wards.

1. All patients will have short, easily pronouceable surnames to
which they will respond instantly when called.

2. They will attend for appointments at precisely the time requested,
instead of arriving half an hour early or later, and then complaining
of not being seen instantly.

3. The will give a simple, clear history, making the diagnosis
obvious.

4. All patients to be examined will be freshly bathed or showered and
will weigh not more than 14 stone (89kg.)

5. Patients will not bleed, vomit or deposit any unmentionable
excrement on NHS premises.

6. They will be able to climb unaided on and off the examination
couch and will present unequivocal signs.

7. Patients will no longer require doctors to peer into unsavoury
fundamental orifices, and where they fail to conform to this guideline,
it is acceptable to insert red hot or ice cold endoscopes into delicate
areas of their anatomy.

8. At the conclusion of an appointment, patients will thank all staff
effusively, handing around Milk Tray ( or, preferably, more expensive
sweetmeats), bow low and then walk out backwards smiling all the while.

9. Patients will consider themselves cured at the first attendance
and will not be permitted to return with similar symptons for a period
of at least two years.

10. To ensure the smooth implementaion of this Charter, it is
proposed that additional staff, trained to educate patients in their
new responsiblities, will be recruited.

Inevitably, there will be some small hiccups at first, but it is
anticipated that these will easily be resolved by the free and liberal
distribution of gripe water.

Quote:7. Patients will no longer require doctors to peer into unsavoury
fundamental orifices, and where they fail to conform to this guideline,
it is acceptable to insert red hot or ice cold endoscopes into delicate
areas of their anatomy.

No plx :lol:

Here is Monday's offering. No offence ladies, I am sure you can think up something simialr about us guys.---------------Gordon

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN
A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

SUBJECT : WOMEN

ELEMENT : WO2

DISCOVERER : ADAM

ATOMIC MASS Accepted as 118 lbs, but known to vary from 100 to 550 lbs.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES.
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin meal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent know to man.

COMMON USES.
I. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS.
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimon.

HAZARDS.
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one,


ONLY JOKING LADIES, HONEST …………………………………

March 1993

:rotfl:

keep em coming dude, some of that sh!t is brilliant

Here is this week's old tale.-----------Gordon

WE MUST HAVE ONE
Right now, hands up all of you who know why February 2nd is a special day. Just as I thought, not a single hand, so I will have to tell you. February 2nd is Ground-hog Day. There now, I bet that set your pulses racing, made your eyes sparkle too I shouldn’t wonder. Did I hear someone at the back mutter “So what?”. Let me tell you my friend that we are now entering the realms of sophisticated weather forecasting.

Nestling in the middle of Western Pennsylvania is the little town of Punxsutawny. The people who live there are not content to sit in front of their TV sets while dishonest weather men shuffle around their magnetic symbols and computer graphics. Every year on February 2nd they get up before day break, grab a few sandwiches and off they go, all 744799 of them, to a place called Gobbler’s Knob. (No, I don’t like the look of that either, better cover it up before the kids see it) where they stand, freezing to death most likely, awaiting the appearance of the hero of the hour. Then, at a time most convenient to himself, a groundhog, whose name by the way is Punxsutawny Phil, pops out of his hole. I bet you can sense the excitement.

Now we come to the technical bit. If he is unable to see his shadow it means that Spring will be another six weeks. This displeases the crowd who all start to boo and throw bits of gristle out of their sandwiches at the unfortunate creature who is, after all, only trying to do his job.I would not want you to think that this Phil has cornered the market, because across the border in the town of Wiarton Ontario he has a serious rival called Wiarton Willie who goes through roughly the same routine although sometimes with opposite results.

Socially, Phil has the slight edge over Willie as he was once invited by President Reagan to visit the White House. There is no record of any conversation they might have had. On* the other hand, Willie has also had his moments and I have a Canadian Geographic picture of him doing his stuff attended by his keeper and the Mayor of Wiarton, who gave the ceremony a certain amount of dignity by wearing white suits and top hats!

So why am I telling you all this? Well it seems that this great nation of ours, which gave the world Eddie the Eagle, the rules of cricket and restaurants that close for lunch, should not have to stand idly by while others are battering their way through the frontiers of science. In short, we must have a British ground hog. First of all, we must find out exactly what a ground hog is. Dictionaries do not agree. One says ‘aardvark”, one says “woodchuck” and another says marmot”. Anyway, just look in your sheds and see what you can find. Don’t worry too much because, if the worst comes to the worst, we can probably make one out of an old squirrel.

I have this vision of February 2nd 1993 when, before a crowd of thousands, Hastings Harold pops out of his hole on the East Hill and puts Britain back where it belongs - ahead of the world. You must excuse me, all this patriotic fervour is beginning to get to me. I must go and take one of my tablets.


Stan G4ITM April 1992

If any woman takes offence to the woman's one, then she's a true close-minded, uptight, head-stuck-in-a-corner selfish bimbo. If women can make all kinds of sexist jokes about men and expect them not only to laugh about it but also not to complain, the same should go both ways.

And frankly...much of that "joke" is true.

"A lot of truth is said in jest."

-eminem :o

Thanks Guys for your kind comments on our quaint Brit. humour, but let me know if I am becoming a ‘pain in the ***’. I have been absent for a couple of weeks in the local hospital, now a bit weak but active, so see what you think of another of the tales from the late Stan.-----------Gordon

‘ERE YOU MUCK ABOUT WITH WIRELESS A BIT DON’T YOU?
I think that to a radio ham the above must be just about the most terrifying phrase in the English Language. So far as I am concerned, those words trigger off a nervous convulsion similar to the death throes of the Schooner Hesperus, and I disappear at top speed. Of course escape is not always possible in which case we have to do the best we can. It may be that the person who has accosted us merely wants us to provide a retirement home for his grandmother’s pre-war radiogram which has the shape and charm of a Victorian coal shed. I usually explain that although I would like nothing better than to possess this priceless piece, I fear that it may cause my wife to leave home. As a gesture of good will I do however give them the address and ‘phone number of our club vice chairman!
Unfortunately it isn’t always as easy as that. There is invariably lurking in the background a piece of electronic brica-brac which has fallen short of perfection and we have been short listed as the most likely sucker to undertake the repair. Some of my experiences in this field have been unforgettable.
My favourite type of fault is the mains hum. With a suitable condenser, in a few minutes, you can work an absolute miracle. On one occasion I had dust completed such a job and in my haste to cram the thing back in its cabinet I failed to notice that the thin Bowden cable which constituted the tuning drive had attached itself to the on/off switch. There was a loud bang and about two inches of the tiny cable disappeared. The set still worked but the tuning was permanently located in a most unattractive part of the medium wave half-way between a Norwegian news bulletin and the traditional folk songs of old Istanbul.
Sometimes we find that the owner of the equipment has already assisted us by starting the job himself. One man told me that he had detected a slight rattle when the set was at full volume. When he looked inside he was appalled at the poor workmanship. At least ten screws were loose. When he had tightened eight of them and snapped off the other two all he could get out of the set was a noise like a machine gun. I knew what those screws were you know what those were, but sadly he didn’t.
Then there is the misleading diagnosis. I was told by an elderly couple that they had been sitting there listening to the six o’clock news and it went off click just like that. After spending about half an hour, worrying about the strange voltage readings I was getting, I realised that all the valves were in the wrong sockets. Clearly the B.B.C. newsreaders knew more tricks than we gave them credit for? When I mentioned this to the old couple they reluctantly told me they had thought the sound would be a lot clearer if they took the valves out and washed them in some nice soapy water.
In some cases expert help has already been called in.This is meant to be reassuring but seldom is. One client ( I hesitate to call these people customers because no money ever changes hands ) greeted me with the news that the next door neighbour’s nephew had had a look at the set. “A clever lad who is good with his hands - always out there taking his motor-bike to bits.” I could quite believe this because when I took the back off the set there was clear evidence that this multi-talented youth had tried to kick-start the output valve.
“Mucking about with wireless” doesn’t only bring you radio work. As word of your expertise spreads through the neighbourhood all sorts of things can be brought to your door. I have had hairdryers, kettles, clocks, electric trains, a clockwork dragon, Christmas tree lights, a cash register, three set of cricket pads, a punctured football, and a dog collar - so please don’t think you have to specialize. I won’t hang about any longer. I have just spotted a man coming in my direction and under his arm is something I don’t very much like the look of. When he gets here, please tell him I’ve gone.

STAN G4ITM January 1989

I bet you all never knew this !!! ---------- Gordon

THE THEOREM OF PYTHAGORUS.

In our informative years we learnt the basics of geometry, (amongst other things), and how to do strange things with angles, both acute and obtuse, and this knowledge has stood us in good stead for many years since.

We spent hours getting to grips with the complicated calculations and derivations and summations and lots of other ‘shuns’ but none inspired us so much as Pythagorus Theory and the complete mastery it gave us over those horrible three pointed shapes called ‘right angled triangles’. It is one of the things we learnt at school that we still use today. Indeed, where would us electrical types be if we didn’t have dear old Pythagorus’ to help us calculate impedances etc.

But who was Pythagorus?

Some believe he was some old Greek bloke with an obsession, but in the real world he was in fact a famous Red Indian Chief

His theory was derived from the time he came of maturity and took himself a wife, or squaw as they were known colloquially. The Indian village had many tepees and there were many maidens to choose from and so he decided that he would visit each maiden in turn to see if she could satisfy his requirements. He worked very hard at this task, it was very exhausting but quite rewarding (This exercise became known as the squaw rut’ and over the years has evolved into the similar expression used today)

However, he finally chose three maidens to become his squaw’s. One squaw was placed in a tepee with his best antelope skins for her to rest on. The second one was in a tepee with his best buffalo skins as her bed. The third one, his favourite, had the biggest tepee and was given the honour of sleeping on his very special skins taken from a hippopotamus.

Eventually each squaw became pregnant and on the big day all gave birth, two of the squaws had a son each but his favourite squaw produced two Sons.

It was from this event that his acclaimed theory was developed as follows, that in general summation, or at least as far as the production of Sons is concerned

the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the Sons of the squaws on the other two hides. Q.E.D

Bob GIPJT