Interesting story, though its very short
. This sentence doesn't make a ton of sense
Quote:He looked down in horror to see that what he was trying to fight his way through, was turning himself into the static liquid!
If you mean his fighting was turning him, then it would be clearer to say
Quote:He looked down in horror to see that his struggling was turning him into the static liquid!
If you mean to say the static is turning him into more static, then this makes more sense
Quote:He looked down in horror to see that what he was trying to fight his way through was turning him into static!
Its an interesting idea, so keep editing (since you said this was your first draft). Also around the second line you misspelled "maybe", "mabey".
That was all structure & grammer...as for a review...
The main character seems to be way too subserviant for being a teenager. His mom tells him to go to his room and he doesn't even say anything to her. Again this happens as his sister denies going in his room, despite the evidence against her (this may be because she didn't, but you have to remember the reader has no idea the tv is possessed at this point, and niether does the main character). If he is going to swear at his soda can, the reader would think either he would resist his mom's punishment, or else you have to depict her as something fearsome. Same with his sister, whom the reader would presume to be younger (since they have a tendancy to disrespect their older siblings). He would definitely either fight her denial more, or else give us a viable reason to think it wasn't worth fighting. (ex, when he gives up, tell us that his parents always believe the sister, or else that she fights like a b**** and he isn't in the mood, etc.)
Also, I would extend the main conflict (against the static) and make the main character seem like he tries a lot harder and make it seem like he might actually win. As it is, it happens too fast for the reader to really see the character as strong.
The briefness also makes it hard for the reader to associate with the main character, which is a goal for any story. If you get rid of the subserviant attitude I mentioned earlier, I think this would also help with this, as the reader would associate with the teenage rebellion, the younger sibling frustration, etc. Right now the character just seems like a loser (no offense) who the reader doesn't feel compelled to care about. You want the reader to like and associate with your main character, as it will make the conflict and resolution all the more powerful.
The basic elements for a good short story are there, you just need to do some refining to get rid of the rough spots.
-b