04-21-2006, 09:11 AM
Quote:Book 1
11In the beginning was Z!re, the holy goddess of nothingness.2 Though many gods had come before, Z!re hath proven,3 through absent proof of herself not being god, that she herself is the one true God.
4And Z!re spake of this saying, 5"I am God. I can do anything you can prove any other fable God has done."
6Thus she hath baffled many a poor wicked sinner. 7Though they attempted to prove that she is not god 8by saying such ridiculous comments such as:
9"Prove you are god then, for without proof we can not believe what you say."
10"If we could prove you weren't God, then it would pretty much be just as easy to prove that there is a God,11 or that there isn't a God."
12But the almighty Z!re spoke unto these people saying, 13"Why should I do anything beyond what your fable Gods have done?14 How many of your fable Gods have you talked to?"
15Barok, the unbelieving prophet, spoke unto Z!re saying , 16"Z!re, you must be Ardra." 17He was referring to the devil goddess that was depicted in a television show known as "Star Trek". 18Many followed Barok, and 19rebelled against Z!re.
20"I was not aware that one could define God," 21spoke the almighty Z!re. 22Then deleter, a follower of Barok, argued that 23"If we can not define it, then how can we argue it? 24We can't and thus, as I had spoken before, 25this is pointless." 26Then Z!re said unto deleter, 27"Thus, a God does not and cannot exist?"
28Yet the prophet Rokkuman questioned Z!re, saying 29"Actually, you were taken by surprise,30 and were 'unaware' that you could define yourself. 31So you're out of the game. 32This sandwich I'm eating on the other hand... 33I'm pretty darn suspicious it's God." 34Z!re helped the prophet by once again repeating her previous statement so that the people might understand.
35"I was not aware that you puny lifeforms were unable 36to in words or speech encapsulate and fathom 37the immense power that is me."
38But Rokkuman's hardened his heart, and he continued to retort saying, 39"If you were God, you'd have known how to word it correctly in the first place. 40My sandwich, on the other hand, seems to have it all figured out." 41When Rokkuman had said this, 42Z!re replied saying, 43"Rokkuman, I know the correct word, 44I know my real name. 45But speaking it would undo creation as you know it. 46And I would have to start all over." 47So the prophet Rokkuman was called the 48follower of the sandwich.
2 1Many began following the almighty Z!re, as they should. 2The great prophet SJ Zero 3turned to the ways of Z!re saying, 4"I've been so convinced by this bulletproof argument that 5I've shaved my head and dedicated my life to serving She,6 the almighty Lady, Zire." 7When SJ Zero had said this, 8Z!re replied saying, 9"Saint SJ, you are far to humble, for you are amongst the first of my saints, 10the one who will rule the celestians."
11But the evil one called deleter continued his rebellion by 12writing his letters. 13He spoke unto Z!re by writing:
14"Let us see what you are laying claim to. 15You only claim to be able to do nothing, 16because we have to prove another god has done it, 17which we can't. 18So it boils down into the stalemate that you cannot prove you are god, 19just as we cannot prove you are not god. 20However, assuming for a minute that you are, 21let us consider the facts.
221) As a god, you have promised absolutely nothing in return for faith in you. 23This does not make it a very popular choice.
242) As a god, you are quite insulting and mean. 25People don't like this sort of god unless they believe you have great power, 26which you actually never claim in your original argument.
273) The mere demanding of faith is more than a majority of humans are willing to submit to.
28So regardless of what you are saying, no one is going to believe in you as a god."
29Jatos, a man of the heathens, demanded proof from Z!re, writing:
30"If you are my definition of God z!re, 31answer all of the following and do the task set below so 32that you will have proven that you are god.
331: What was to the left of me when I wrote this post
342: How old am I
353: What programs where running on my laptop when I wrote this post.
364: What make is my mouse.
375: Which sixth form do I go to
386: Name me a CD case I read when I wrote this post.
39The task: make a football appear on my bed from nowhere."
40But Z!re wrote in rage, 41"Jatos, how dare you demand more of me, the real God, than from your made up idols?"
42Rokkuman, the follower of the sandwich, 43continued his rebellion saying 44"Well in that case, 45you undid creation as we know it when you rephrased it in the first place. 46But that couldn't have happened, 47because I'm still here."
48"And if you can't do more than made up idols, 49then you can't do much more than sit there, 50since Buddha is one of these 51"made up idols", but doesn't do much more than that either. 52And since it didn't create anything, 53you probably don't have much to do 54with the creation/decreation of the world either."
55And Z!re answered with yet another question. 56"So, you're saying God did not create the world, 57and God does in fact nothing and is nothing?"
58The rebellious zealots continued their meaningless dispute for 59twenty and seven days.
3 1It was then that the prophet Torahteen prayed to the almighty Z!re 2and requested that she 3pour out her endless wisdom upon her humble servants. 4Z!re answered his prayer. 5These are the commandments of Z!re.
6Thou shall wear tight red shorts that do not fit thy buttocks.
7Thou shall hump naked trees in public places.
8Thou shall eat ants every morning as I have since I created them.
9Thou shall hug big fat guys in a tight wrestling suit.
10Thou shall honor me so that you may bask in my glory.
11Thou shall answer all questions with sly, sarcastic remarks.
12Thou shall hate n00bs with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength.
13In doing these things, you shall become like me, 14Z!re, the almighty godess of the earth.
15And so it was. 16Torahteen wrote these commandments so that 17all may follow them in all that they do, 18so that they might become like Z!re.
41After the goddess Z!re had spoken her commandments, 2many a heathens began rebelling by 3mocking the followers of Z!re and Z!re herself. 4They referenced her followers as stupidity. 5So began the second rebellion.
T6hey continued to deny the position of Z!re saying, 7"Z!re is not a god, 8she's someone who lives and breaths on this earth. 9You, her followers, are 10dumbasses if you continue on with this charade."
11They also said, 12"Z!re is not a god or goddess, 13she is a normal mortal human being like all of us."
14But Z!re grew frustrated with these men saying, 15"Heathens! You're all heathens! 16I will haunt your dreams." 17And Z!re praised Torahteen's rules saying, 18"The steps to become a proper worshipper of my devine being are available 19as scribed by my prophet Torahteen."
20Pritchard, a follower of Z!re, 21was recognized by Z!re after he had proven that he had completed the necessary steps. 22So shall it be when you complete them.
23"As I fall on my face oh Z!re, you have surely shown me that you are the one.
24Oh creator of the cosmos, she knew what to say to prove her divinity."
Quote:Torahteen's Commentary on the Holy Book of Z!re
Chapter 3 -- These are the Holy commands given to Torahteen by Z!re. Torahteen was given the authority to make the commandments. However, he was given guidelines, as shown below.
3:6,7 -- The first two commandments were written as asked by Z!re herself. See http://fieldview.mine.nu/random/beartraps.swf. This man will be blessed.
3:8 -- The almighty Z!re herself had once said: "Eat ants!". So it is.
3:9 -- See http://fieldview.mine.nu/random/sohorny.swf
4:24,25 -- A hymn composed by the first saint of Z!re, SJ Zero (see 2:2)
