Powerful lyrics

[Mech1031]

I wrote these on the floor of a mens room. real powerful, it was after a recent break up of mine, and i happened to come across the same mens room so i wrote them down on paper (instead of the floor). here they are (whatever):

He gave in again
the bastard
can't keep refusing to te__ll

He sat in his grave
shallow and light
screaming, it felt like he___ll

so
to carry on
in sweet silence
never to, believe

never to help with
recovering
distressed, belongings
and

touch
my eyelids fall victim
to
paralization
and
all i can do__ is
drown
in this torrent of

sweet silent
surrender will
overtake, my bleeding heart

the pain is
to much so
I begin, to fall apart

(end)
Granted it doesn't make much sense, but i hope to rework it into an actuall song where the lyrics actually have more meaning. basically, these aren't powerful lyrics, but they have the potential to be. so if there are any poets out there, please help me out.

[Josiah Tobin]

Okay, I'll give you a critique if you like. I'll place various 'points' throughout the lyrics which I'll refer to later. Just a key kinda thing-- Red is something I think you should change, green is just a nitpick.

He gave in again
the bastard
can't keep refusing to te__ll

He sat in his grave
shallow and light
screaming, it felt like he___ll <---- point 1

so
to carry on
in sweet silence <--- point 2
never to, believe

never to help with
recovering
distressed, belongings
and <--- point 3

touch <---- point 4
my eyelids fall victim
to
paralization
and
all i can do__ is
drown
in this torrent of

sweet silent
surrender will
overtake, my bleeding heart <--- point 5

the pain is
to much so
I begin, to fall apart

POINT 1: 'screaming, it felt like hell' This is a bit weird, you would think it's 'I' sat in the grave or 'She sat in the grave'... Or, as I would suggest, you could change it to something like 'unseeing, he bid her farewell'.

POINT 2: 'sweet silence' Just a little nitpick, but maybe something like 'cold silence' or 'bitter silence'.

POINT 3: 'and' ...And what? Seems like there should be a word after that.

POINT 4: The word 'touch' seems out of place and doesn't really fit. You could even take out the word completely and it would still work.

POINT 5: The term 'bleeding heart' or 'my bleeding heart' is a bit overused. No reason you can't use 'heart', or even just that and no word before it, but the 'bleeding heart' bit is a bit overdone.

Your lyrics certainly aren't bad, but the subject may seem slightly 'done before' to some. I'm certainly not one to classify, as today's sterotyping kinda annoys me, but I know some people who would call the lyrics 'emo'. Ignore them, and write about what you want. :wink:

[moochthemonkey]

What type of music is that supposed to go to? Speed Metal? Punk Rock?