The Holy Book of Z!re -- Chapter 4 Written

[Dr_Davenstein]

*Applauds*

Good. I am pleased. Maybe you guys should allow each individual user to filter the language, as an option in their profile or something though.

[Z!re]

*Applauds*

Good. I am pleased. Maybe you guys should allow each individual user to filter the language, as an option in their profile or something though.

It's already there... Top right of this window, the box with the X in it..
Best wordfilter around.

[TheDarkJay]

*Applauds*

Good. I am pleased. Maybe you guys should allow each individual user to filter the language, as an option in their profile or something though.

It's already there... Top right of this window, the box with the X in it..
Best wordfilter around.

no, no, no, no, no! What you do is (on the XP) go into

Control Panel
System
Hardware
click on device manager
Select Monitor
Click on the + next to monitor
click on you monitor
Select uninstall

[Dr_Davenstein]

Ahhh... So that's what that button is? :lol:

[TheBlueKeyboard]

What? I won? :lol:



Yeah, I agree though, the lang filter was really unnecessary.

Z!re described the forum n00b remover pretty good.

Now I'll describe the IRC chat in IE popup n00b remover.

"Press Alt+F4 for op status!"

Really, every time you see 3 people go off the list, its really cool
I even got a PM once where someone asked how I made that script after he closed his window :lol:

[Pritchard]

I even got a PM once where someone asked how I made that script after he closed his window :lol:

Can't...Stop...Laughing. . .

[SJ Zero]

Interpetations of the Book of Zire: Book 1

1



1In the beginning was Z!re, the holy goddess of nothingness.
2 Though many gods had come before, Z!re hath proven,
3 through absent proof of herself not being god, that she herself is the one true God.


4And Z!re spake of this saying,
5"I am God. I can do anything you can prove any other fable God has done."


6Thus she hath baffled many a poor wicked sinner.
7Though they attempted to prove that she is not god
8by saying such ridiculous comments such as:


9"Prove you are god then, for without proof we can not believe what you say."


10"If we could prove you weren't God, then it would pretty much be just as easy to prove that there is a God,
11 or that there isn't a God."


12But the almighty Z!re spoke unto these people saying,
13"Why should I do anything beyond what your fable Gods have done?
14 How many of your fable Gods have you talked to?"

This is largely held to be historical account by Ziraeli scholars. There is no mention of Z!re in the roman annex, but it is assumed this is because She had yet to reveal herself.

On the other hand, it is said that the final words of the dead sea scrolls translate to "...is what I would have said if I were lying. - Z!re".



15Barok, the unbelieving prophet, spoke unto Z!re saying ,
16"Z!re, you must be Ardra."
17He was referring to the devil goddess that was depicted in a television show known as "Star Trek".
18Many followed Barok, and
19rebelled against Z!re.


The barok reference and star trek is proof that star trek is part of the divine plan of Zire, and thus shouldn't have been taken off the air. Unbelievers may say that star trek sucks, but the texts speak of it, thus it must be of divine origin!


20"I was not aware that one could define God,"
21spoke the almighty Z!re.
22Then deleter, a follower of Barok, argued that
23"If we can not define it, then how can we argue it?
24We can't and thus, as I had spoken before,
25this is pointless."
26Then Z!re said unto deleter,
27"Thus, a God does not and cannot exist?"

28Yet the prophet Rokkuman questioned Z!re, saying
29"Actually, you were taken by surprise,
30 and were 'unaware' that you could define yourself.
31So you're out of the game.
32This sandwich I'm eating on the other hand...
33I'm pretty darn suspicious it's God."
34Z!re helped the prophet by once again repeating her previous statement so that the people might understand.


Scholars today believe that these passages are largely allegorical -- They don't, however, have the foggiest clue what the allegory may mean. Some radical conservatives within Zirael believe it is meant to be a strong condemnation of homosexuals and an call to hang women who get jobs or leave the home. Most scholars believe that this is a subtle misreading of these passages, with some saying "You guys say that about everything!", Indeed, the apocryphal texts where Zire claims to be a gay woman are widely claimed by conservatives to be a crushing condemnation of women and gays.



35"I was not aware that you puny lifeforms were unable
36to in words or speech encapsulate and fathom
37the immense power that is me."


38But Rokkuman's hardened his heart, and he continued to retort saying,
39"If you were God, you'd have known how to word it correctly in the first place.
40My sandwich, on the other hand, seems to have it all figured out."
41When Rokkuman had said this,
42Z!re replied saying,
43"Rokkuman, I know the correct word,
44I know my real name.
45But speaking it would undo creation as you know it.
46And I would have to start all over."
47So the prophet Rokkuman was called the
48follower of the sandwich.


Here we see the first appearance of the pathological hatred for processed luncheon meats which dominates some sects. The Zirmon sect of Utah lives by the saying "Guns good! Penis....also good! processed Luncheon meats bad!". Most scholars agree that this is pretty friggin' creepy. That, and they eat human flesh. That's never good either.


2
1Many began following the almighty Z!re, as they should.
2The great prophet SJ Zero
3turned to the ways of Z!re saying,
4"I've been so convinced by this bulletproof argument that
5I've shaved my head and dedicated my life to serving She,
6 the almighty Lady, Zire."
7When SJ Zero had said this,
8Z!re replied saying,
9"Saint SJ, you are far to humble, for you are amongst the first of my saints,
10the one who will rule the celestians."


Here we witness the introduction of a minor player in the book. Most orthodox Ziraelis dismiss the existance of SJ Zero as myth, saying "Nobody could be that stupid."


11But the evil one called deleter continued his rebellion by
12writing his letters.
13He spoke unto Z!re by writing:

14"Let us see what you are laying claim to.
15You only claim to be able to do nothing,
16because we have to prove another god has done it,
17which we can't.
18So it boils down into the stalemate that you cannot prove you are god,
19just as we cannot prove you are not god.
20However, assuming for a minute that you are,
21let us consider the facts.

Here we witness the beginning of what are considered some of the most important tenets of Zirael.


221) As a god, you have promised absolutely nothing in return for faith in you. 23This does not make it a very popular choice.

Don't ask god for stuff. Just who do you think you are? I'll tell you who you're not: God. So sod off.


242) As a god, you are quite insulting and mean.
25People don't like this sort of god unless they believe you have great power,
26which you actually never claim in your original argument.

273) The mere demanding of faith is more than a majority of humans are willing to submit to.

28So regardless of what you are saying, no one is going to believe in you as a god."


You're not special. You are not a unique and beautiful flower. God doesn't care about you specifically and didn't create the world for you. Get over yourself. Some of the central tenets, established early on. Barok may not be considered a believer, but he is considered by some scholars to be an avatar of Zire, presenting the truths as arguements so she need not educate the world by herself.


29Jatos, a man of the heathens, demanded proof from Z!re, writing:


30"If you are my definition of God z!re,
31answer all of the following and do the task set below so
32that you will have proven that you are god.

331: What was to the left of me when I wrote this post

342: How old am I

353: What programs where running on my laptop when I wrote this post.

364: What make is my mouse.

375: Which sixth form do I go to

386: Name me a CD case I read when I wrote this post.


39The task: make a football appear on my bed from nowhere."


40But Z!re wrote in rage,
41"Jatos, how dare you demand more of me, the real God, than from your made up idols?"


This is believed to be a confirmation and validation of the points given prior by Barok.



42Rokkuman, the follower of the sandwich,
43continued his rebellion saying
44"Well in that case,
45you undid creation as we know it when you rephrased it in the first place.
46But that couldn't have happened,
47because I'm still here."


48"And if you can't do more than made up idols,
49then you can't do much more than sit there,
50since Buddha is one of these
51"made up idols", but doesn't do much more than that either.
52And since it didn't create anything,
53you probably don't have much to do
54with the creation/decreation of the world either."


55And Z!re answered with yet another question.
56"So, you're saying God did not create the world,
57and God does in fact nothing and is nothing?"


Scholars believe this passage is making fun of people who contemplate the nature of God.



58The rebellious zealots continued their meaningless dispute for
59twenty and seven days.

3
1It was then that the prophet Torahteen prayed to the almighty Z!re
2and requested that she
3pour out her endless wisdom upon her humble servants.
4Z!re answered his prayer.
5These are the commandments of Z!re.


Most critics of Zirael don't make it this far in the text. This is where the text really comes to it's own and takes on fuller meaning and life.



6Thou shall wear tight red shorts that do not fit thy buttocks.
7Thou shall hump naked trees in public places.
8Thou shall eat ants every morning as I have since I created them.
9Thou shall hug big fat guys in a tight wrestling suit.
10Thou shall honor me so that you may bask in my glory.
11Thou shall answer all questions with sly, sarcastic remarks.
12Thou shall hate n00bs with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength.


13In doing these things, you shall become like me,
14Z!re, the almighty godess of the earth.


15And so it was.
16Torahteen wrote these commandments so that
17all may follow them in all that they do,
18so that they might become like Z!re.



It's believed that the commandments of Zire are allegorical, and not meant to be followed literally. Some, including most environmentalists, believe that the ill fitting red shorts represent freedom, where the 'humping trees' represents humping trees. They don't have much imagination.


4
1After the goddess Z!re had spoken her commandments,
2many a heathens began rebelling by
3mocking the followers of Z!re and Z!re herself.
4They referenced her followers as stupidity.
5So began the second rebellion.


6They continued to deny the position of Z!re saying,
7"Z!re is not a god, 8she's someone who lives and breaths on this earth.
9You, her followers, are
10dumbasses if you continue on with this charade."


11They also said,
12"Z!re is not a god or goddess,
13she is a normal mortal human being like all of us."

Uh oh...


14But Z!re grew frustrated with these men saying,
15"Heathens! You're all heathens!
16I will haunt your dreams."
17And Z!re praised Torahteen's rules saying,
18"The steps to become a proper worshipper of my devine being are available
19as scribed by my prophet Torahteen."


20Pritchard, a follower of Z!re,
21was recognized by Z!re after he had proven that he had completed the necessary steps.
22 Line 22 removed for brevity.
23So shall it be when you complete them.


And finally, it is shown that even Prichard can become more Zire-like. Truly, a lesson for us all.


24"As I fall on my face oh Z!re, you have surely shown me that you are the one.
25Oh creator of the cosmos, she knew what to say to prove her divinity."


A largely ignored hymn from the fictional Saint SJ. Ignore it. It's not very good. Scholars agree.

[Torahteen]

Thank you SJ, that was very intuitive. It also made me realize that verse 22 was left out. I shall now fix that.

[thegrogen]

Heh... no mention of the no-more-religious-threads movement or Pillowism (or naked-chick-pillowfightism), yet... when are those going to be added into the story?