Quote:Seph: hey im pretty sure its over between me and nikki
Badjas: :S
Badjas: how sure?
Seph: yeah ive become one of the abusive types
Badjas: sounds weird if you recognize that in yourself
Seph: well i hit her
Seph: last night
Seph: not in the face
Seph: but i punched her
Seph: and wrestled her
Seph: and all that stuff
Badjas: ...without it being sm...
Seph: ?
Seph: sm?
Badjas: what was the reason for that then?
Badjas: (nah lame joke)
Seph: well shes nuts
Seph: its a long story
Seph: all i know is i went much too far
Seph: but she was PMSing
Badjas: PMS.. the illnes?
Seph: the girl thing
Seph: post (or pre?) menstral syndrome
Badjas: oh
Badjas: and you haven't as of yet had success of finding a solution to the irritation that it causes you I guess
Badjas: hmm.. well I pity this. .. mostly because of your kid
Seph: meh
Seph: im much too young emotiuonally to give a damn about anything but myself right now
Seph: i was raised by an angry dad
Seph: and no mom
Seph: so i kinda had it coming
Badjas: :\ well I don't know how easy you are with starting a fight but most people learn from such mistakes
Seph: well the whole time ive known her i have just left when i got mad
Seph: but this time i knew i was completely right when we got into a fight
Seph: an argument, rather
Badjas: you're right on that yeah. but instead of walking away ... well it sounds cliche but hey, 'communication' is the way to go
Badjas: dunno what that PMS is so I'm not a good judge on the situation
Seph: believe me, i TRIED to talk
Seph: but shes the kind of person who will try to avoid communication and pretend it never happened
Seph: rather than try to solve it
Seph: and i can only take so much of that
Badjas: that sucks
Seph: ive taken over a YEAR of that
Badjas: yeah it would annoy me greatly as well
Seph: and its worse than you can imagine
Seph: our fights would go on for days or weeks because she wouldnt talk to me
Badjas: she got issues...
Seph: we all do
Quote:Seph: hi amber
Amber: hi
Seph: its steve
Amber: hi
Seph: yeah im pretty sure me and nikki are broken up
Seph: so i guess this is goodbye?
Amber: what happened now?
Seph: i was abusive
Seph: yep
Amber: what?!
Seph: scum of the earth, me
Amber: towards who?
Seph: her
Seph: mentally and physically
Amber: did you hit her?
Seph: ya
Amber: that sucks
Seph: yeah
Seph: oh well
Seph: she says i deserve to die
Amber: well if u hit her...
Amber: maybe not die
Seph: now shes gonna be like her mom and sqeeze every peny out of me that she can for child support
Amber: thats not nice
Seph: what?
Seph: what do you mean
Seph: thats what shes gonna do cuz shes just like her mom
Seph: now im a disgrace to my family.. everyone in it
Seph: because im going to leave her
Amber: oh geez
Seph: i dont mind
Seph: i have a very roomy car 
Seph: and i have my guitar
Seph: thats all i need
Amber: and i though i had relationship problems....lol
Seph: you know, a lot of this was because of what we almost did, youa nd i
Amber: get the hell outta here\
Seph: umm?
Seph: ok i guess
Seph: but im assuming your gonna be friends with her instead of me right?
Amber: probably
Seph: ok
Amber: thats fucked up if u really hit her steve
Seph: its funny, i didnt even need alcohol
Seph: yeah i know
Seph: im fucked up
Seph: but what can i do about it
Amber: her dad is going to kill you
Seph: nobody wants to help me, and im fine with it
Seph: no
Seph: her dad wont do shit
Amber: what do u mean no? u fucking hit his daughter. hes gonna fuck u up
Seph: hehe
Amber: does he know yet?
Seph: how is hegonna find me?
Seph: nobody knows byut you
Seph: and possibly my dad
Amber: where is nikki now?
Seph: lying down
Seph: she wont speak to me
Seph: probably is pissed and afraid of me
Seph: thats what she said last night
Seph: shes never been more scared of anyone in her entire life
seph i have only 2 words for you - "anger management". You should really learn it. Helps a lot =)
Now I'm not proud of what I did. I realized that the way I spoke of it to these 2 people may make it look that way. I just can't get over what a monster I've become. It horrifies me. So all this is a little surreal right now, that's why I talked so calmly.
Guilt is a good sign. It shows that you arent a bad person =P. Just dont let *anything* push you over because you cant change anyone except yourself.
You recognize the signs, and you've realized what you are going to become if you dont do anything about it. Get help now, while you are still in the very early stages. Violence is a vicious cycle, but it's one you can break, especially now that you are young. I recommend you go get group therapy or some sort of help right now, before she goes to the police and presses domestic violence charges against you. Considering this is your first time, and it was a very heated discussion, the fact that you are getting help for yourself will make you look better, and will better your chances of having joint custody or visitation rights if you so desire. Just make sure you act quickly. If you need help on where to go or what you need to do in this situation, then pm me. I can help you out. First hand experience.
Rhiannon, the problem is that I'm too young to even take care of myself, let alone a girlfriend and a baby boy. I need to take care of myself before I can even begin to be able to take care of either of them. Otherwise it will just be Nikki taking care of both of us, and she's also too young to take care of 2 people at once. What I want to do looks awful. I want to just live with someone for a few months until I can get an apartment of my own, start getting onto my own feet, depending on only myself, pay back my parents all the money I owe, and then take Nikki and Danny in so I can take care of both of them. But if I just do that now, it looks like I'm abandoning them. So nobody will take me in. Meaning I will have to live in my car until I can afford rent, and then start from there. Then again $200 car insurance+gas a month is not bad at all for rent.
Nikki says I should go with her tonight to sit down with my dad and listen to her telling him all the things I did to her last night. She says I should feel the shame because it will ensure I never do this again. But that's not true. Even if I feel the shame tonight, I will probably get just as angry again later with her, and I might do the same thing again. She refuses to speak to me when she is angry, which enrages me so much because it feels like I am being ignored and like she doesn't even want to solve any problems in our relationship, making me feel like I'm not worth her time. So to try and wake her up, I explain to her how I feel like I'm not worth her time and maybe we shouldn't be together, so she understands how she makes me feel. Then she says "you're just looking for any excuse to leave me" but she won't ever understand that's not true. Especially not now.
Look I'm done rambling about her. I don't have to deal with someone who I am not compatible with so I'm not going to waste my time on her. But I want to make everything right and she won't help me, which means nobody else in my family will help me either. They will all think of me as a disgrace and not allow me to stay with them or anything. See my dilemma?
Well seph, you still have to figure out how to manage. It's your kid, you have to take care of him. Even if it means having to go through some jacked up counseling sessions, but you gotta fix your relationship with nikki. Appologize, and for Christ's sake seph, don't do it again. Be a man. You've got a kid, you aren't a kid yourself anymore.... you can't act like one. I wish both you and nikki the best. Work hard on this seph, don't let it go down like this.
Heh, I just had the dumbass read what I wrote to you, hoping she would understand my side of the story. She replied to me "it won't work because if you leave me, I'm not coming back to you." I explained that it wouldn't be leaving her, just getting my feet on the ground for a couple months. She said "you never wanted to be with me and what you wrote right there is proof." Do you guys see my problem? She's a dumbass. Pure and simple, a moron.
Seph...I don't know how to drill this through your head, but...GET RID OF HER. It is BLATANTLY obvious that you two cannot coexist. Life isn't easy, man...and you're gonna run into a lot of trouble ahead. But that's just the way life is. You can do yourself a huge favor by removing the troublesome people in your life, and it's VERY clear that she's numero uno on your list of troublesome people right now. If a woman's able to push you to crossing the line between verbal and physical violence, it's time to cleanse your life of that factor.
And as an addendum...if anyone wants to get the self-righteous "but you're the MAN!" BS going, completely ignoring the fact that men are humans too, with emotions...get over yourself. Everyone's human, and everyone feels emotions. There's a difference between working out problems, and knowing when problems are unsolvable and moving on. Seph...you're at the moving on stage. Your chemistry with this woman is not correct, and never will be. Take it from someone with years of experience on the subject...