Humour from the UK

[barok]

One time i spent half an hour coding a fairly large routine. Then i spent nearly 2 hours debugging.

[GordonSweet]

We seem to have created some interest here, I doubt if any have seen these by an old Radio HAM. More to come if OK!! Gordon

Origins of Dot Com
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, very broad of shoulder and long of leg Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camels. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay", he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."' "YAHOO", said Abraham, And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore that invented the Internet after all.

THE COMPUTER WILL SEE YOU NOW
The trouble with me is that I am a backwoodsman, but it isn’t my fault. All this advanced technology has descended upon me just as I was beginning to understand how an elastic band works. This has caused me to go around saying unkind things about computers. Mind you, to be fair to myself, I did once try, to be friendly to one. I plugged it in and on the screen it said “Hello my name is Dragon, what’s yours”, There seemed to be only one answer to that so I typed in “Stan”. The next thing on the screen was the single word “ERROR”, That was enough for me, I was not going to play with something which tells me I don’t know my own name, so I typed in “Silly sod”, and pulled the plug out. Perhaps I was a bit hasty, but it made me feel good.

Stan G4ITM November 1993

[Rattrapmax6]

Mind you, to be fair to myself, I did once try, to be friendly to one. I plugged it in and on the screen it said “Hello my name is Dragon, what’s yours”, There seemed to be only one answer to that so I typed in “Stan”. The next thing on the screen was the single word “ERROR”, That was enough for me, I was not going to play with something which tells me I don’t know my own name,

:???: Why is it that when I run spell check, computers always think human names are misspelled... It can get insulting,.. hurray! for costum dictionary.. :wink:

[GordonSweet]

Another tale from our late Radio Ham - hope you enjoy these. Gordon

Dangerous Dan McGrew
by Stan G4ITM

I’ll tell you a tale of the Yukon,
Of the land of the caribou,
Where along the track stood the radio shack
Of Dangerous Dan McGrew.

Now Dam was a keen contester,
And his Ioqqer was Eskimo Nell,
But as she couldn’t write to and he was half tight,
They didn’t do terribly well.

Nell wasn’t much of a beauty,
We’ve all seen much prettier sights.
She smelled just as sweet as a lumberjack’s feet,
And she’d newts in her fishnet tights.

They were doing the National Field Day,
And they’d worked the odd station or two,
When Dan heard on his phones the voluptuous tones
Of the lady known as Lou.

He blushed like a red, red sunset,
As she gave him her five and nine,
And her warm eighty-eight in his delicate state
Did peculiar things to his spine.

She lured him away to the city,
Far away from the frozen wastes;
He had limousine trips, caviar with his chips,
And other extravagant tastes

He became quite a hit of a dandy,
Though his shirts were a little too bright.
He installed on the sly, a revolving bow-tie,
Arid braces that lit up at night.

With Lou, he was hitting the high spots,
They painted the big city red.
He’d the time of his life, eating peas off his knife
And they played snakes and ladders in bed.

Did his thoughts ever turn to the Yukon,
To the shack where the old river bends?
Did he cry out as well, for his Eskimo Nell?
You have got to be joking my friend.

[GordonSweet]

This is a clean version form our old radio HAM. Gordon

The Powder Monkey
by Stan Simpson G4ITM

The boy stood on the burning deck,
The ship was sinking fast,
Saw his feeders droop, from the blazing poop,
As his Yagi slid down the mast.

He thought of the time an hour before,
When everything seemed serene;
He was all laid back, in his radio shack,
In the gunpowder magazine.

He was working an island miles away,
Though the signals were pretty weak,
But the air turned blue, when half-way through,
He was blotted out by a Greek.

It wasn’t wise to increase the power,
But he thought it was worth a try,
Then a flash of blue from his ATU
Sent the magazine sky-high.

The skipper didn't take it all that well,
He kept screaming, "Damn and blast!"
His telescope was beyond all hope,
And his parrot breathed its last.

The Mate, who had sailed the seven seas,
Knew not the word of fear,
But with a powder-keg up his trouser-leg,
He felt warm for the time of year.

The rest of the crew were a fearful bunch
From the port of Liverpool;
They were coarse and crude, unbelievably rude,
And played truant from Sunday School.

They cursed and they swore as they lowered the boat;
The ship was a total loss.
They were hopping mad, and they told the lad
That he'd made them extremely cross

A pair of phones and an unsigned log
Drift alone on the trackless main
With a plaintive cry to the empty sky,
"Will you give me your name again, old man,
Please give me your name again."

[marinedalek]

I've just encountered another law: When you prepare to solve a simple problem, several worse problems will appear.
I'm going to fix my friend's PC, and the the problem was that it was slowing down, but now suddenly the mouse has stopped working and the DVD won't read anything. I get a feeling it's going to be one of those days. :roll:

[GordonSweet]

In view of your problems and comments I could not resist posting this one from the late Stan. I will start a new thread after another page or so, in order to allow this thread to relapse and to reduce web space. Gordon

ERE YOU MUCK ABOUT WITH WIRELESS A BIT DON’T YOU?
I think that to a radio ham the above must be just about the most terrifying phrase in the English Language. So far as I am concerned, those words trigger off a nervous convulsion similar to the death throes of the Schooner Hesperus, and I disappear at top speed. Of course escape is not always possible in which case we have to do the best we can. It may be that the person who has accosted us merely wants us to provide a retirement home for his grandmother’s pre-war radiogram which has the shape and charm of a Victorian coal shed. I usually explain that although I would like nothing better than to possess this priceless piece, I fear that it may cause my wife to leave home. As a gesture of good will I do however give them the address and ‘phone number of our club vice chairman!
Unfortunately it isn’t always as easy as that. There is invariably lurking in the background a piece of electronic brica-brac which has fallen short of perfection and we have been short listed as the most likely sucker to undertake the repair. Some of my experiences in this field have been unforgettable.
My favourite type of fault is the mains hum. With a suitable condenser, in a few minutes, you can work an absolute miracle. On one occasion I had dust completed such a job and in my haste to cram the thing back in its cabinet I failed to notice that the thin Bowden cable which constituted the tuning drive had attached itself to the on/off switch. There was a loud bang and about two inches of the tiny cable disappeared. The set still worked but the tuning was permanently located in a most unattractive part of the medium wave half-way between a Norwegian news bulletin and the traditional folk songs of old Istanbul.
Sometimes we find that the owner of the equipment has already assisted us by starting the job himself. One man told me that he had detected a slight rattle when the set was at full volume. When he looked inside he was appalled at the poor workmanship. At least ten screws were loose. When he had tightened eight of them and snapped off the other two all he could get out of the set was a noise like a machine gun. I knew what those screws were you know what those were, but sadly he didn’t.
Then there is the misleading diagnosis. I was told by an elderly couple that they had been sitting there listening to the six o’clock news and it went off click just like that. After spending about half an hour, worrying about the strange voltage readings I was getting, I realised that all the valves were in the wrong sockets. Clearly the B.B.C. newsreaders knew more tricks than we gave them credit for? When I mentioned this to the old couple they reluctantly told me they had thought the sound would be a lot clearer if they took the valves out and washed them in some nice soapy water.
In some cases expert help has already been called in.This is meant to be reassuring but seldom is. One client ( I hesitate to call these people customers because no money ever changes hands ) greeted me with the news that the next door neighbour’s nephew had had a look at the set. “A clever lad who is good with his hands - always out there taking his motor-bike to bits.” I could quite believe this because when I took the back off the set there was clear evidence that this multi-talented youth had tried to kick-start the output valve.
“Mucking about with wireless” doesn’t only bring you radio work. As word of your expertise spreads through the neighbourhood all sorts of things can be brought to your door. I have had hairdryers, kettles, clocks, electric trains, a clockwork dragon, Christmas tree lights, a cash register, three set of cricket pads, a punctured football, and a dog collar - so please don’t think you have to specialize. I won’t hang about any longer. I have just spotted a man coming in my direction and under his arm is something I don’t very much like the look of. When he gets here, please tell him I’ve gone.

STAN G4ITM January 1989

[DrV]

Dude, Murphy's Law is ancient... It's hardly funny anymore after one has seen it a bazillion times. It was good the first time around, at least.

Hey, DrV, give Gordon a break. Yes the original Murphy's Law of "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" is ancient, but most of his other quips are pretty funny.

Sorry if I offended anybody, but I figured everyone had seen/heard the whole thing before... maybe I'm just an exception.

[GordonSweet]

No problem I am not the least offended.

I hope some find these tales from old HAMS amusing and interesting. Please let me know as I have many more, along with technical stories and Aircraft Navigation tales during WW2 etc

. Gordon :rotfl:

[na_th_an]

Dude, Murphy's Law is ancient... It's hardly funny anymore after one has seen it a bazillion times. It was good the first time around, at least.

Hey, DrV, give Gordon a break. Yes the original Murphy's Law of "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" is ancient, but most of his other quips are pretty funny.

Sorry if I offended anybody, but I figured everyone had seen/heard the whole thing before... maybe I'm just an exception.

They came in a book like 8 years ago or so, didn't they? I think I read it back then, can't remember