Humour from the UK

[Josiah Tobin]

Pfff, who cares, I haven't heard a few of 'em before, so I thought they were funny.

[Z!re]

GordonSweet, I like them =), feel free to keep 'em coming :lol:

[DrV]

Dude, Murphy's Law is ancient... It's hardly funny anymore after one has seen it a bazillion times. It was good the first time around, at least.

Hey, DrV, give Gordon a break. Yes the original Murphy's Law of "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" is ancient, but most of his other quips are pretty funny.

Sorry if I offended anybody, but I figured everyone had seen/heard the whole thing before... maybe I'm just an exception.

They came in a book like 8 years ago or so, didn't they? I think I read it back then, can't remember

I actually saw 'em on a poster a few years ago... they seem to be everywhere. (Oh no... this is turning into one of those retarded pyramid things... stop now! )

[Z!re]

Dude, Murphy's Law is ancient... It's hardly funny anymore after one has seen it a bazillion times. It was good the first time around, at least.

Hey, DrV, give Gordon a break. Yes the original Murphy's Law of "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong" is ancient, but most of his other quips are pretty funny.

Sorry if I offended anybody, but I figured everyone had seen/heard the whole thing before... maybe I'm just an exception.

They came in a book like 8 years ago or so, didn't they? I think I read it back then, can't remember

I actually saw 'em on a poster a few years ago... they seem to be everywhere. (Oh no... this is turning into one of those retarded pyramid things... stop now! )

Stop what?

[DrV]

Noooo! Stop hijacking the thread.
(I refuse to quote you. )

[GordonSweet]

I hope you have not all seen this before but I will leave you all to insert the missing words !!! Gordon

The Creation of Policy
In the beginning was the plan, And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form,
And the plan was completely without substance
And a darkness fell upon the faces of the Workers and they spake unto their Supervisors saying ; “It is a crock of **** and it stinketh.”
And the Supervisors went to their Managers and sayeth “It is a pail of dung and none may abide by it’s odour thereof.”
And the managers went to their Heads of Group and sayeth unto them “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it..”
And the Group Heads went to their Heads of Division and sayeth unto them; “It is a vessel of fertiliser and none may abide by its strength.
And the Head of division went to the board member, and sayeth “It contains that which aid plant growth and is very strong.”
And the Board member went to the Deputy Chairman and sayeth unto him; “It promoteth growth and is very powerfull.”
And the Deputy Chairman went to the Chairman and sayeth unto him “This powerful new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of the company.”
And the Chairman looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
And
LO-THUS DID THE PLAN BECOME POLICY

[GordonSweet]

More of the late Stan's sense of humour, but quite true. Gordon

The Ad-Man Cometh

In the stone-age-, conversations were usually conducted by a series of grunts. As time went by and the lads used to sit round in the summer evenings discussing the merits of their dinosaurs, they felt the need for something a little better.. So they decided that "Ugh" would mean 'Bad' and "Aah" would mean good.. This seemed to work pretty well for a time but then they thought they should have a word meaning neither good nor bad - a sort of half way mark. This they decided should be 'Um'

This persisted in various forms down through the ages, and when I came on the scene which, in case you were wondering, was a few weeks after the stone-age, it was common to hear the phrase "Fair to middlin" which meant "1 am doing very nicely thank you but don't tell the inland Revenue" in those days the word good and bad still held their meaning

Unfortunately in these days of high pressure salesmanship the word "good" has lost its impact.. If you say that your product is good the prospective customer takes that to mean that it is mediocre. So the hunt is on for bigger and better superlatives. We have Deluxe, Super, Fantastic. Fabulous, World Class, Earth- shattering, Ultimate, Star Quality, The Epitome of Excellence, Mega, and so on.. Then, just when they feel they may have priced you out of the market, they insert little comforting words like "Only" and affordable and even 'Free!'

I suppose the motor companies are the main offenders. They are no longer satisfied to list the specifications of' their products, they now offer us fantasies.

One current advert leads us to suppose that if we slide behind the wheel of their latest tin-box we will instantly be joined by a young woman with moist lips and very little in the way of warm sensible clothing. So far as I can see this would only steam up the windscreen, and I am sure that none of us would want that to happen.

Mind you, to be fair, I did see a TV advert the other day which was refreshingly honest. The car was being driven along to the accompaniment of a female voice singing "It takes your breath away". In my book this means that you would be dead. So if you want to end up on the slab, this is clearly the car for you.

Estate Agents have developed their own quaint vocabulary. As you approach the house they describe as "in need of modernisation" you get the impression that you are visiting Stonehenge on one of its bad days, and the "Charming period residence" will hold up very well until you slam the front door. We live in a "Delightful Victorian Terrace" which derives its stability from the fact that the death watch beetles arc linking arms arid forming a. chain right up the street..

The real masters of the advertisers craft are, of course the Soap men. For as long as I can remember, once a. fortnight, regular as clockwork, they announce a new break-through which will enhance even more, the whiteness of your wash. We are coming close to the time when it will be foolhardy to use your handkerchief without sunglasses. With all these improvements it occurs to me that my 1923 white romper suit with matching bonnet was probably a nasty grey colour.

I have some sympathy for the people who sell us the necessary items for our beloved hobby. They are stuck with trying to explain to us why at a time when things are increasing in price at the same time as they are decreasing in size.

In the old days there was always a danger that you would stumble into your transmitter in the dark and knock yourself out, but now the greatest danger is that you will put it down on the table and not be able to find it.

I forked out forty pounds for a CW filter for my HF rig. Muriel and I arranged that at least one of us would be at home when the men came to deliver it.When this item, which could have easily have been wrapped in a postage stamp, floated gracefully through the letter box, we experienced feelings of severe ant-climax

We are being conditioned to regard our electronic items as gems and jewels, and to make us feel better they give us all sorts of buttons to press, which generally speaking do very little for the signal in either direction. The latest refinement is the ability to hear more than one stations at the same time. I bought a set in 1939 which did that. I took it back to the shop.

Stan Simpson G4ITM.

[GordonSweet]

I will start a new thread soon, to allow this to lapse and not take up web space. Gordon.

Makower’s Laws of Computing
Makower’s Immutable Laws of Computing (trad., arr. G8UYZ)

1. No matter- how much you know about computers, you can always find expert who will render everything incomprehensible.

2. You will never run out of disks or printer ribbons whilst the shops are open. (This also holds for fuses, Ed.)

3. The price of the software is inversely proportional to the readability of the manual.

4. The size of the error is directly proportional to the value of the data lost.

5. For every commercial computer error, there are at least two human errors; one of which is blaming your problem on the computer.

6. No matter how long and carefully you choose a new computer product a faster and more feature packed version will be announced within the week of your purchase. (In the case of hardware; cheaper, too)!

7. The mains never dies at the commencement of a complicated bit of work.

8. If you back up a disk, the original will never fail.

9. Printers are not supposed to work first time. If they do, you’ve not followed the instructions.

10. You never loose data you don’t need.

Dave G8UYZ October 1992

[GordonSweet]

A tale from when Stan worked in a Head post Office. Gordon

The Oriental Experience

All was peace in the HPO
For staff and the clients alike
Then at half-past four, through the main front door
Came a Chinaman wheeling a bike.

He shunned the end where the pensions pay
And the queue for the Royal Mail
He visibly shrank from the Savings Bank
And made straight for my parcel scale.

He hoisted his bike to the counter-top
With a smile like the crescent moon
On the label-tie it said Shanghai
Or it may have been Kowloon.

In panic I stretched a trembling hand
And brushed the bike aside
Told Fu Manchu, what he wished to do
Was not in the PO guide.

I explained at length that we did not send
Bicycles overseas
He shouted a lot, and his parting shot
Was an oath in Cantonese.

The customer is always right
We've said it all along
But on this day, I have to say

The customer was Wong. ...............................

Despite the awful pun at the end I can assure you that this is a true story!

Stan G4ITM June 1994

[GordonSweet]

Moderators please let me know if I am cluttering up too much space with these old tales, otherwise I will start a new thread soon to allow this thread to lapse. Gordon


GREAT RADIO HAMS OF THE PAST No. 12 Bertie Wooster

My man Jeeves trickled in with the morning rasher and I decided to give him the news right away, to grasp the ox firmly by the handlebars don’t you know. “What ho, Jeeves,” I chirped, “How do you like my new hat, pretty snazzy, what?”

“Indeed, sir, the garment to which you have drawn my attention does have a certain offensive radiance. Might I enquire as to it’s purpose?”.“Yes, Jeeves, this is the official headgear of the Drones Amateur Radio Club.”“Will you be wearing this headgear out of doors during the hours of daylight, sir?” “Indoors, outdoors, anywhere where there is need for highly intelligent communication, Jeeves.”

“May I enquire if you will also be undertaking the repairs of wireless accoutrements, sir?”“Enquire away, Jeeves. Yes, I can visualise that when word of my expertise reaches the outposts of empire, discerning artisans will start to cluster round the Wooster portcullis.” “In that case, sir, I fear it may be necessary for me to view my employment with you in a new light.”

“So be it, Jeeves,” I replied a little coldly. He had behaved like this on a previous occasion when I decided to take up singing to the accompaniment of the banjulely and this time the young master was not going to give in. I tried to cheer him up. “Mr Fink-Nottle will be along presently to install my transmitter, the Super Galaxy Bender Mark 2 with numerous optional extras. He will, no doubt, wish to give you a few pointers on the care and maintenance of the dipole aerial.” For some reason he remained uninspired. “Mr Fink-Nottle is a somewhat erratic young gentleman sir and I cannot envisage that I would enjoy coming under his tutelage.”

The man still performed his duties and rallied round with the sustenance but there was a cloud hovering over the upper levels of his brow which irked the passer-by. But Bertram was not dismayed. I flung myself into this wireless thing with gusto, spreading sweetness and light to all and sundry. The peoples of the world fell victims to the Wooster charm. These foreigners were all good eggs and after a couple of weeks I had their assurance that should Bertram, the darling of the masses, ever seek repose in primitive parts, there would always be a welcoming sheet of corrugated iron to shelter the Wooster chassis from the monsoon.

Then, one afternoon while I was having a fascinating chat with a witch-doctor on the banks of the Orinoco, who was giving me a graphic account of how he cured his Paramount Chieftain’s sciatica, I heard a discreet cough, at my elbow. It was Jeeves, seeming more like his old self.

“There is a Mr Capaldi at the door asking for you, sir.” “What sort of a man is he, Jeeves?” “He would appear to be a gentleman of Mediterranean, or possibly Sicilian descent, sir.” “What does he want Jeeves.” “He says that you have been engaging his espoused wife, Mrs Capaldi, in conversations of an amorous nature on the wireless, sir. He refers to the frequent use of eighty-eights in this connection and expresses his desire to caress your throat, not necessarily in the spirit of international friendship.”

“This does not sound good, Jeeves. This Capaldi, is he a big man?” “Mr Capaldi has a torso which has derived great benefit from a balanced diet, sir.” “Does he appear to be a strong man, Jeeves?” “I understand that his muscles are the sole subject of conversation in down-town Palermo, sir.” “What can I do, Jeeves?” “Well, sir the subject is not entirely without hope. If we invite Mr Capaldi in and he sees that there is no wireless transmitter we may be able to persuade him that he has come to the wrong address.”

“Masterly, Jeeves. I have said it before and I say it again. You stand alone.” “Thank you, sir.” “Hang on a minute though, Jeeves. Friend Capaldi will surely spot the Super Galaxy Bender Mark 2 with numerous optional extras which will place our hero in the forefront of the doomed.” “Not if we throw the machine out of the window, sir.” “Do you think this is the way to go, Jeeves?” “Most assuredly, sir.” “Then fling wide the casement and heave-ho, Jeeves.”

“Heave-ho indeed, sir.” “And Jeeves.” “Sir?” “That hat, dispose of it how you will.” “Thank you, sir.” “Not at all, Jeeves.”

Stan G4ITM June 1992